“It is What it is,” I don’t like this phrase.
Partly it’s my resistance to all things cliché. But it’s also always felt so powerless to me. Maybe it’s the context in which I’ve heard it. “I won’t be able to make it on time.” It is what it is. “I’m not getting along with my brother.” It is what it is. “My business isn’t growing the way that I wanted it to.” It is what it is.
As a coach, what I have observed about people is that a lot of our unhappiness comes from trying to change things that we have no control over. What’s funny is while we try to control things we cannot, we often act as if we have no control over things that we actually do. This inversion of control and effort is a major cause of stress and anxiety.
I have anxiety and fear about the weather. Specifically climate change. But I act like there’s nothing I can do to improve my relationship with my child. Stephen Covey had a wonderful tool he called the circle of influence. He said there are things you can control, there are things you can influence, and there are things that are absolutely outside of your control. I found the freedom for myself by asking when something is bothering me, “which circle does this go inside?”
We have finite energy. When we put our energy into what’s outside our control—ruminating, venting, resisting – it drains us.
The secret of the circle:
Acknowledge when something is in the outer ring. It can be helpful to acknowledge your feelings about it too. “I cannot control the weather. And also, I feel concerned that it is hot in February.”
If it is in the influence ring, ask what can you do? “What can I influence?” This gray area is a place where you do not have direct control, but you can take action that may create a change. This is a great place to put your energy! “I cannot control climate change, but I can put efforts into conservation and recycling and reducing my own use of fossil fuels. I can vote. I can share information with others.”
Ask yourself how to move as much as possible to the middle ring? “What do I have control over?” Be honest with yourself. There may be an action you can take. But often what you have is a choice about where you place your attention, time, and voice. Sometimes the choice is do something different. Sometimes the choice is change your attitude. “I can acknowledge my lack of control. I can take action to influence. And then, I can take care of myself and my feelings.”
And now, an exercise for you!
Activity: Where are you Placing your Energy?
Instructions:
- Think of 3–5 things you are frustrated about right now.
- Place each frustration into one of the circles.
Questions:
- If your concern is in the outer circle, what can you influence?
- If your concern is in either of the inner circles, what will you do? And by when?
Action:
What will I do based on the concerns I listed in the circle? And by when will I do it? Write it down. Tell someone.
