“A memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth, but not its twin.” Barbara Kingsolver
I am reading a book called The Five Invitations, Frank Ostaseski. The fifth invitation is “cultivate ‘don’t know’ mind.” Under this invitation, the author talks about memory and its inaccuracies. He says, “In our rational world, we have an unquestioning faith in the efficacy of reason. We connect clear thinking with competency and worth. We associate memory with accuracy, and accuracy with truth, and truth with righteousness. How many times have you argued with a partner over whose memory of an incident is correct?” (The Five Invitations, 241 [all page number references hereafter are to this book].)
Ostaseski is pointing out the ways in which we like to believe that our memories are infallible. He is talking not about just the “facts” of a situation, but also our interpretations and the ways that we interpret events and take the interpretations as truth.
“When memories are taken as truth, they go unquestioned. That frequently leads to fixed assumptions, all-or-nothing thinking, which may have unintended consequences on future decisions. Bringing a sense of curiosity and open-ended inquiry to these assumptions may help us discover new ways of understanding old stories.” (P. 243.)
This is a part of the power of coaching. The client relates something that happens. The coach does not question the memory itself but will help the client examine the meaning the client has brought to the memory. Because we tend to see what we expect to see and we take our memories (including all the interpretations) as “fact,” we can use our memories to support our view of the world: “I am not good at that.” “People always disappoint me.” “People cannot be trusted.” When we do this, our view of the world does not change and it is hard to see new possibilities.
“We cannot change an originating event that may have caused us pain, but we can absolutely change our reaction to what happened. We realize that when we dwell on and retell a story, this unquestioned recirculating of memories can lodge old suffering even more deeply in our minds, causing the present to be defined by our past….” (pp. 245-246.)
However, we can change this! “We can impact how we think about events now by looking at our interpretations, shifting our perceptions, and discovering new meanings.” (pp. 245 – 246.)
“…[M]emory is not objective, truthful, exact, or by any means permanent. Our memories are malleable constructs. One study demonstrated that every time we remember something, our brain networks change in ways that alter our recall of the original event. Like the old game of ‘telephone’ we used to play as kids, small inaccuracies arise each time we remember something. These ‘errors’ then become part of our experience. Eventually, the memory of an event can grow so imprecise that it becomes totally false.” (pp. 242- 243, emphasis added.)
Question your memories. Be curious about what they mean to you. Our perceptions of life and what is possible do not only go forward; they go backward. In this way, we can change the future but being curious about the past.
