The Lens Through Which You See The World

This week, one of my clients told me that when she goes in for a job interview, often they look at her as if they are surprised at her age. She, like many people I coach, is afraid that she is too old to be offered the kind of work she wants. I said, “how can you tell?” She said, “It is just the way they look at me. I can tell.”

The same day, another client said to me, “sometimes when I speak up in meetings, I say the wrong thing.” “How do you know?” She said, “I can tell by their reaction.” “What is their reaction?” “They look at me funny and they move on with the conversation.”

From the outside, it is easy to say, “the look?” Can you really tell by the look? But you know and I know what it is like to see and interpret a person’s affect and reactions in a particular way. We’ve probably all had this experience.

What makes you think “the look” means one thing and not another?

Answer: most people, in most circumstances interpret others based on their own fears. If I am afraid I am too old, I will look for evidence that I am too old. If I believe I don’t make sense when I speak up, I will not speak up. And when I get the courage to speak, there is a good chance I will find a way to confirm my fears. Even if just by a look and a lack of comment on what I just said.

There are obviously some problems with this.

First, it is a dejecting way to live. If you leave the meeting thinking you are “too old” or your ideas are “not valid,” that will certainly impinge upon your self-confidence.

But also, most people don’t question “the look.” They don’t stop to ask what a coach will ask you: what evidence do you have that this is what they were thinking? And so we believe that we are too old, not smart, not contributing. And we act as if that is true. And the more you act like your fear is true, the more it becomes true, as you stop applying for certain jobs because you know people think you are too old; or you stop speaking up because you know you are not contributing.

How to interrupt the pattern:

Notice it. Our brains work very fast. We make assumptions quickly and we believe them as if they were true. Question your assumptions. Ask yourself (or have someone else ask you), “how do you know that is actually true?”

Change the lens through which you see the world by examining it.

About the Author

Cami McLaren

Cami McLaren

is the owner of McLaren Coaching. She has been coaching professionals and leaders since early 2008. She runs Transformative Coaching Essentials, a coach training program that produces first rate Professional Coaches and "Coach-Style Leaders." She coaches individually and works with organizations to improve communication, time management, productivity and ultimately bring greater results.

Get Our Newsletter
Recent Posts
Kid basketball thermos graphic

What Does it Mean to be Committed to a Relationship?

The Commitment Pillar The 3 basic pillars of a strong relationship are trust, communication and commitment.  (Thanks to Source Point Training for this model.)  Today I am writing about the commitment pillar. In our program training coaches and coach-style leaders (www.mclarencoaching.com/coach-training), we work on how to be effective in relationships...

Read More
Why Image

Purpose is More Powerful Than Motivation

Purpose This month I am talking about purpose. What’s Your Why Kevin Durant Motivational – YouTube One of my favorite speakers on this topic is Eric Thomas – an amazing motivational speaker. Motivation is a funny thing. Often we think it is this “feeling” that...

Read More
Boy yelling into microphone using his voice

The Sound of Your Voice

Hup, Hup I was in spin class with Dakota. Such an inspiring human. She says so many things to us that I want to write down. I took note of this one though. She told a story about talking to two different riders one day....

Read More
Mirror held in hand - Feedback

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, Mirror Once I was sitting in a meeting with a lawyer. When I looked at him, I realized he had spilled coffee on his shirt. No one said anything. I wonder if he saw it in the mirror later. I wonder how he felt...

Read More

Share this Post

Facebook
Twitter
LinkedIn
Email